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FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols . . . feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to
employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table . . . you didn't sign your name. I'm
happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that
reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed
to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package
everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table
closest to the rest rooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice -- what do you expect me to do,
a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the
burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's
breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be
"Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family
feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.
Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so
you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as
you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&!*# salad bar,
including hydroponic tomatoes... but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing
them scream right now!
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery
from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards
to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to
cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off.
Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home.
~Carol Nelson
The Office Christmas Party
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The word carol is derived from the old French word caroller which derives from the Latin choraula. This itself was derived from the Greek choraules.
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